It's weird, as much time as I spend in our nation's political center, and as much political reading as I do, that I haven't written about politics at all on this little blog of mine. After all, aren't blogs the new medium for political commentary (that's what they're telling me these days anyways)? Regardless, for whatever reason, I have consciously decided to stay as far away from political topics in this blog, preferring to tell other tales.
Unfortunately, current events have forced my hand. I simply must comment on the recent uproar over the President's new Immigration Plan. It seems that Senator Trent Lott has cast in his two cents on the issue:
http://www.sunherald.com/278/story/81785.html
Now, put all politics aside for a moment, shall we? Nevermind the technical difficulties of building a fence, nevermind that a fence doesn't even begin to address the poverty that drives Latin Americans to risk everything just to try and get into the US, nevermind all that. The central question that this speech raises is this:
What the Hell is Senator Lott doing with goats? This man is the most powerful member of the minority party in one of the most important institutions of our government, and he's spending his afternoons feeding, nay worse, raising his own evil hoard of evil goats that will one day revolt against him and implement their insidious schemes for global domination? Has he not been reading anything on goats this past year?
While abroad in Senegal, I braved stifling heat, rolling power outages, and yes, the occasional evil hoard of evil goats while shedding countless gallons (or liters if that's your preferred standard of measure) of blood, sweat, and, yes even the occasional tear to uncovering the evil plot of the evil hoards of evil goats in Dakar, so that you and your family may take the necessary precautions to ensure our survival on that fateful day of reckoning.
When I returned to the boring and chillingly air-conditioned world of America, I dedicated myself to updating you about heroes involved in small-scale efforts to head off this goat threat before it comes to a crisis point: Goat hunters in the Galapagos Islands involved in a goat eradication campaign. City officials in Tennessee ingeniously using goats to get rid of the kudzu that has been such a scourge to our southern states. It's a brilliant plan- it helps get rid of the kudzu while keeping the goats occupied on an impossible and never ending battle against kudzu, thereby preventing them from organizing and implementing their evil plot for global d0mination indefinitely. I highlighted the little known US Department of Evil, and it's evil goat-man's plans for the impending apocalypse, as reported in The Onion.
I did this not out of any selfish motive such as keeping a running theme throughout my blog to keep you readers interested, but rather out of a general goodwill towards humanity: no less than the fate of our species may hang in the balance.
And THEN I hear that one of our most powerful and influential politicians is harboring goats? Is this man clueless to their evil plotting? Is he ignorant of their deceitful nature?
Judging by this comment, the Senator at least understands the type of opponent that we're likely to be up against once the evil plot has been implemented, and that a multi-pronged defense strategy is the only way to go:
"There ain't no fence big enough, high enough, strong enough, that you can keep those goats in that fence," the Senator told reporters.
He seems to be suggesting that we take the offensive, but even here, he is aware of the limitations of the human form, and the superior physical and mental capacities of the goat:
"Now people are at least as smart as goats...Maybe not as agile."
Now that I think about it, maybe the honorable Senator from Mississippi isn't so ignorant about the impending evil plot. He goes on to suggest that a multi-pronged attack is the best way to keep goats at bay, that we can't just rely on a big wall:
"Now one of the ways I keep those goats in the fence is I electrified them. Once they got popped a couple of times they quit trying to jump it."
The vital part of this quote is the phrase "one of the ways," suggesting that the Senator is using a number of methods to control his goats. What other techniques is he using? We can only guess due to the secrecy of his office, and the fact that his staff refused to comment (the fact that I never asked might have something to do with it..shhhh), but I'd suspect it has something to do with keeping the goats on horribly flat land, thereby negating their natural climbing and jumping agility, while maintaining a strict all-organic diet devoid of any man-made materials such as tin-cans and cardboard.
It seems that rather than an innocent hobby, Senator Lott's goat-keeping is for more humanitarian, scientific purposes. I'd venture to suggest that he's keeping these goats in order to study their techniques and gain intelligence that will prove useful in the impending evil goat/human battle for world domination.
Hopefully, the Senator is also working on a device to translate goat-speak, so we can finally decipher the goat messages I've acquired through a brilliant act of espionage (I asked a sheep, because though they look like the evil goats, their morally ambiguity is easily exploited). Only then will we know the full extent of their evil and nefarious plot.
Whatever the case may be, now that the Senator is on our side, I feel much better knowing that I'm not the only one concerned about the evil hoards of evil goats. It's good to have friends in high places (just so long as they're not rock-hopping evil goats on the cliffs above you). Good luck Senator Lott.
Love,
Jake
PS: I'd like to thank Ms. Aaron for bringing this subject to my attention. Humanity needs to know just who it can trust in this upcoming battle for global domination. Ms. Aaron, you truly are a crusader for humanity, defender of the evil hoards of evil goats, and you should be commended for your efforts. Thank you.
